I Was Thinking... Bending Your Ear

The title of today’s column tells you a lot about my age. That phrase isn’t used by almost anyone beyond the baby boomer generation. It usually refers to a one-sided conversation where one person does most of the talking and the other person is forced to endure what becomes a long monolog. The phrase is also outdated since few people today understand the art or purpose of a conversation.
Conversations do not require the use of any electronic devices. You don’t need to text, message or post. While conversations may occur by using a telephone, a device once used only for talking, they usually take place in person. However, that may require a certain degree of sacrifice.
To really carry on a conversation, it may require the parties involved to refrain from looking at, checking, or giving any other attention to their phones. Proper etiquette would dictate that they also ignore any beeps, buzzes, or other sound that indicates an electronic message is vying for their attention. But there are also other requirements for something to be classified as a conversation.
While talking is one element of a conversation, it isn’t the only part. Another even harder skill to achieve is the process called listening. Listening is not just the period of time when you aren’t talking.
It requires more than just being quiet while you are planning in your head what you are going to say next. Real listening requires paying attention to what the other person is saying. You don’t necessarily have to agree with it, but you actually have to hear it.
Good conversationalists are excellent listeners. They may demonstrate this by asking probing questions about what you said. They also make eye contact with you while you talk. But to be a real conversation, it needs to be a two-way street.
Whether it is a couple of people or even a larger group, conversations aren’t dominated by one or a few people. I recently observed a “conversation” between a parishioner and a pastor in an informal setting.
The lady was regaling him with a detailed story of her family history. The pastor nodded his head occasionally, said, “I see” several times and kept pretty good eye contact. There was no easy way out of this one-sided exchange, and he maintained a semblance of interest.
No sooner had he escaped this exchange when another parishioner captured his attention with a story about the historic significance of this particular day and how it related to his family history. Again, the pastor listened intently and even offered up a couple of related comments. It seems being a required listener is an occupational hazard of being a minister.
The listening element of conversations isn’t a skill certain people have mastered. Some have a real need to hear their own voice. I belong to several groups where we meet and talk. Some groups have specific topics and others the discussions are different every day. But “talkers” are always easy to identify.
One type is the one who will always express their opinion on every subject, even if the same view has already been repeated several times. Another type is the extended speaker. While they may be on the topic, they provide more details and background than anyone else wants to hear.
A third kind of talker is the one who will direct the conversation back to themselves. Very often they get into the conversation by butting in or just by talking over others. Although questions or comments have directed the conversation in a new direction, they ignore what was said and bring it back to themselves, their family, or their favorite topic. But some people have developed some exceptional conversations skills.
People who are good conversationalists have both the ability to ask questions and make comments that draw others out. They speak and then listen. It is an ability many people haven’t developed and with the advent of so much electronic communications, many never will.
Did You Ever Wonder? — If a deaf person is handcuffed, are you taking away their freedom of speech?