Kids, Here Are 10 Signs Your Parents Might Be Domestic Terrorists

This hilarious piece appeared on The Babylon Bee newsletter. It’s a tongue-in-cheek satire that is worth a look. 

Hey! Are you a kid?

Are you being raised by normal middle-class parents who love you and care for you?

Uh-Oh, watch out! They may be dangerous domestic terrorists! It’s important to keep a close eye on your parents for suspicious activity so you can report them to the FBI if necessary. Here are 10 troubling signs your parents may in fact be terrorists:

1) They make you pray to Jesus instead of Dr. Fauci: This is a clear indication they are anti-science, since Fauci IS science, blessings be upon his name.

2) They ask what you learned in school today: Asking this question shows that your parents don’t trust the education experts who are forming your entire worldview. Just answer “nothing” and then call the authorities immediately!

3) They say things like: “Let’s threaten people and do violent domestic terrorism to them!”: If they say this and they’re not wearing a BLM t-shirt, it’s a bad sign.

4) They require sunscreen when they go to the beach: This is clear evidence that your parents may be white. If they’re white, they’re automatically dangerous.

5) They take away the pornographic queer theory book you borrowed in the school library: If they give you a wholesome Tuttle Twins book instead, it’s bad news.

6) They say racist dog whistles like “this school CRT curriculum seems pretty racist.”: Absolutely disgusting.

7) You have never seen them dress in drag at a local library: And if they’ve never encouraged you or any of your siblings to change genders, chances are they are dangerous transphobes.

8) They don’t have a verified blue check on Twitter: Gross. It probably means they work in unsophisticated jobs like plumbing or nursing which are hotbeds of violent domestic terror.

9) You can see their entire face when they talk: This means they aren’t wearing a mask. They’re basically murderers.

10) They voted for Trump: The FBI is watching you from outside your door right now. If your parents voted for Trump, blink twice. They’ll take it from there.

Know the signs! And if you see something, say something!

Appeared in Babylon Bee on Oct. 13, 2021—used with permission